FOR ALL THE CAT OWNERS OUT THERE!

Basic rules for cats

1. Chairs and Rugs: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug; if no Oriental rug, shag is also good.
   
2. Guests: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish 'n Glop on your breath, so much the better.
   
3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example, white furred cats go to black wool clothing.
   
4. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey "But you always allow me on the table when company is not here."
   
5. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything; just sit and stare.
   
6. Work: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are some rules for helping:
   a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
   b) For book reader, get in close under chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
   
7. Play: It is important to get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing king-of-the-hill on the bed between 2 am and 4 am.
   
8. Begin people training early. You will have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.